Ask The Expert

In Favor of Global Warming

As concerned citizens everywhere brace for the advent of global warming, let’s take a look at the upside of whole-scale planetary climate change before catastrophe overtakes us. Ever since the end of the Cold War and a mutually assured nuclear holocaust, the modern imagination has sought new ends for the world. We have been offered  unstoppable ice ages, the population bomb, killer asteroids, the depletion of the ozone layer, worldwide pandemics, and of course global warming along with its mega-tsunamis, super-storms, and now the mysterious disappearance of bees. All of these inconvenient truths have been brayed from the organs of mass infotainment until many among us quake in their boots.  But becalm yourselves, the fact is there are numerous benefits to severe global warming.

Many ecologists, particularly the “deep” kind, are certain that the Earth is an extremely fragile network of delicately poised systems incapable of withstanding even modest changes.  Yet no more than a cursory glance at the history of our planet shows that Mother Earth is tough and resilient, and that life has endured through numberless upheavals, many of which were much more devastating than the worst predictions for global warming portend.

The most general lesson four hundred years of systematic science has taught us is that all is change: everything in the natural world  undergoes ceaseless mutation. That many features of the world appear to be permanent is an illusion caused by the vast stretches of time required for geophysical changes to be noticeable to creatures such as ourselves, whose time here is restricted to a measly three score and ten. Ecology is the study of the changes in our natural environment, and that environment is in continuous change. Trying to stop that change by political or legislative fiat is foolhardy because it is impossible; no law or manifesto is capable of preventing Nature’s course.

Climatic change is natural and has happened many times long before even our primate ancestors evolved; what is different today is that we and our activities may be the cause of dramatic changes in our environment. While myopic worrywarts may deplore this, biologists know  that it is a natural outcome in the evolution of our species. Rather than consider these changes with dread as legions of doomsdayers are wont to do, those of us who know better should celebrate them.  Don’t oppose the will of Gaia.  Embrace change.

Once we have aligned our personal and political philosophies with the fundamental laws of Nature, what specific benefits may we expect as our planet heats up?

First and foremost, global warming will produce new species, thereby increasing biodiversity. It is true that many current species will become extinct, but this is a necessary and natural precondition for the appearance of the new species that will evolve to fill the ecological niches left by their defunct predecessors.  Will global warming make radical changes to the current environments,  climatic zones, and local weather we’ve all grown used to?  Of course it will; but Gaia’s law, the majesty of which she has exercised on countless occasions, is that old species must die in order to make room for new ones. So, dear reader, are you in favor of  new species, or the status quo?  Surely the answer is clear: since in the natural order a status quo or changelessness is an illusion, every responsible citizen ought to be in favor of the passing away of old species and the appearance of new ones because that is how Nature ensures continued biodiversity.

Global warming also will be good for our species, for humanity in general.  Sociologists and psychologists have shown that human beings are most dynamic and creative during times of crisis.  But when life is easy, we coast along and regress to the mediocre mean of human achievement. As with all species faced with challenges, some of us will adapt and survive, some will not; but, the deadly crisis that is global warming will foster people who are best fit to create ways of living in new environments, and who can invent new tools for exploiting the opportunities those environments will provide.  In this way, global warming will be good for human evolution too.

Consider a few of the opportunities that humanity will enjoy as a result of turning up the planet’s thermostat.

After the polar ice caps melt, huge new oil fields will be available; once locked beneath miles of ice, these deposits will be ripe for the harvesting. Contrary to what hand-wringing alarmists would have us believe, global warming will not end our supply of oil, it will increase it; we will not use less petroleum, we will use more. This tremendous surplus means gasoline will once more sell for a quarter a gallon, and big comfortable cars will once again roam our highways. But best of all, burning more fossil fuels will intensify and prolong global warming.

Heating up the biosphere promises to put an end to urban blight. Most cities were built long ago by the sea or on the banks of rivers, but many of these cities have grown obese, and become foci of crime, pollution, and decay. Once the ice caps melt, these bloated habitats will be inundated. A fate that certainly every ecologist should applaud. The BosWash megalopolis, for example, will be turned into a sprawling marina,  and what protrudes above the waves of structures like the Empire State Building can be easily converted into lighthouses or upscale restaurants.

Yet human nature being what it is, people will want to rebuild their cities. And the colossal task of reconstructing hundreds of our largest metropolitan environments will cause real estate values to soar and industry to boom, and this will put an end to joblessness. Clearly, global warming is the common man’s key to prosperity.

What’s more, the great engines of Entertainment and Commerce will find ways to make what were urban hellholes into fun and profitable edutainment.  For instance, Los Angeles, or Las Aquas as it may be rechristened, could be converted into an underwater theme park. Submarine tours conducted through the submerged streets and neighborhoods will provide invaluable education for future generations; children will watch as colorful corals and  new species of sea life populate formerly poisonous habitats such as Beverly Hills.

A consensus of scientists is sure calamitous global warming is almost upon us, and since a  scientific consensus has never been wrong, we should all be encouraged that a bright and exciting new world is soon to unfold. Yet this is no time for complacency. There are those, bordering dare I say on hysteria, who would have us try to stop global warming, or at least diminish its effects. Such groups of weak-kneed anti-Gaiaists and prissy seekers for a preposterous environmental status quo must be resisted.  So get on board the global warming juggernaut, but celebrate the changes soon to envelope us, and do whatever you can to enhance and accelerate the warming of Mother Earth. What can you do?  Drive more, buy more disposable plastics, and heat your home this winter by burning coal. Global warming: the more the better, the sooner the better.

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